Living with Uncertainty: Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking and Perfectionism

Have you ever found yourself caught in a cycle of thinking in extremes? Something goes wrong and it ruins the entire day, event or plan. You make a mistake and label yourself a failure, maybe you even give up on that new hobby altogether. Someone hasn't responded to your text, and you've concluded that they must dislike you or be angry with you. You lose your cool with your toddler, and your self-talk shifts to all the ways you fall short as a parent. Sound familiar? This type of thinking is called dualistic thinking, or more commonly, all-or-nothing thinking. In my work with therapy clients, I frequently encounter this pattern, especially among those struggling with anxiety and perfectionism. While all-or-nothing thinking is quite common, it can be detrimental to our mental health and relationships. If this resonates with you, working with a therapist could be a helpful step toward a more balanced perspective.

Understanding All-or-Nothing Thinking

Dualistic, black-and-white or all-or-nothing thinking is a framework in which we view life in either/or terms. A cognitive behavioral therapist might call it a cognitive distortion, or an "unhelpful" thinking pattern. When we view things through a dualistic mindset, things are either good or bad, right or wrong, perfect or worthless, and there is little room for the gray area in between. The issue with this is that life and the world around us is rarely easily categorized in this way, and rather quite ambiguous, nuanced and complex. While it might help us feel more in control at times, this pattern can lead to us feeling stuck, anxious, and never quite “enough”.

Why Does My Brain Work This Way?

The tendency to think in these extremes is often an attempt to create a sense of safety or calm. It an feel safe to try to categorize ourself, our experiences and our world into neat little categories: good versus bad, right versus wrong, worthy versus worthless. Having two options like right and wrong feels safer to our brain than sitting with the uncertainty or ambiguity of a situation. For many people, black and white thinking develops as a coping mechanism. Maybe it helped us make sense of complex or chaotic environments as children, maybe it was a way that we learned to attempt to cope with anxiety or depression. Simply put, our brain is wired to seek comfort in certainty. When faced with uncertainty, it tries to simplify complex situations to alleviate discomfort.

Impact of All or Nothing Thinking

Our minds try to keep us safe by steering us towards familiar thoughts and behaviors, but sometimes this can backfire, leading us into a cycle of anxiety that feels hard to escape. When we view situations, ourselves, or others in extremes—like seeing everything as either perfect or a total failure—we end up distorting our reality. We might overthink every little detail trying to figure out the "right" choice, or replay scenarios wondering what we could have done differently. We might dismiss our own hard work unless it meets impossibly high standards. This black-and-white thinking can leave us feeling inadequate, anxious, and even depressed. Over time, this cycle of self-criticism can wear down our self-esteem, trapping us in a negative loop that feels hopeless. It can negatively impact our interpersonal functioning and cause strain in our relationships.

How do I work on this in Therapy?

Therapy can be a powerful tool for addressing all-or-nothing thinking. In sessions, I work with therapy clients to explore strategies for creating a more balanced and flexible way of thinking that supports emotional well-being. Here are some key areas we often focus on:

• Developing awareness of extreme thoughts: Recognizing when your mind simplifies complex situations with terms like "perfect," "never," or "always." This awareness can help you identify when your thinking may be skewed.

• Practicing compassionate self-talk: Instead of criticizing yourself for mistakes, we'll work on speaking to yourself with kindness, as you would a friend. Acknowledging that making mistakes does not diminish your value as a person.

• Building comfort with ambiguity: Accepting that conflicting emotions can coexist and that there may not always be a clear or perfect choice. Trusting in your ability to navigate uncertainty and find your way through challenges.

• Embrace flexibility: Setbacks and disruptions don’t have to mean failure. We’ll explore ways to shift your mindset so you can approach challenges with resilience rather than rigidity.

Life is complex, and people are nuanced; growth comes from accepting both our strengths and our struggles. By working towards a more flexible understanding of ourselves and our experiences, we can foster greater self-acceptance and improve our relationships with others. Therapy can be a powerful tool for building a better relationship with yourself and others.